Step One: Read this excerpt from “I Do Not Care For These Stories”:
My dad is gonna be so disappointed at the amount of foul language in this book! Side story: Here?s who Dad is: He is, like, the happiest, nicest, most soft-spoken man in the world. Which, frankly, opens him up to a lot of being bothered for fun. Dad likes to take a nap when he gets home from work. He has sleep apnea an is no good without his nap. Whenever he sleeps during the day, I bother him for fun. He?s too tired to get up, so you can?t get in trouble. It?s a great time. I like to knock on his door and serenade him with the same song every time. The hit song ?Sleepy Daddy? to the tune of the most beautiful song in the world: ?Reflection? from the Disney musical, Mulan. It always goes like this:
(I knock on the door. Dad wakes up to say):
DAD: Yes?
AMBER: Look at me. You may think you see that dad is awake. But my daddy?s sleepy. Every day, he sleeps at the same old time. Now I se, if I wake him up, I can have some fun, but it?s gonna make him maaaaaad.
DAD: Amber, get out of here with that. I?m trying to sleep now.
(I leave. Five minutes later, I knock on the door.)
DAD: Yes?
AMBER: I am now in a world where I have to hide my song and how loud I sing it. But somehow I will show my dad just how loud I sing until he tells me to stop.
DAD: Why are you doing this? If you don?t get out of here, you?re gonna get it.
(I leave. Five minutes later, I knock on the door.)
DAD: Amber, you better not be —
AMBER: WHOOOOO IS MY SLEEPY DAD? IS HE DREAMING? IS HE MAD? WHY IS SLEEPY DADDY SOMEONE I DON?T KNOW? I WON?T PRETEND THAT I?M GONNA STOP FOR BEDTIME.
DAD: (Throws shoe) Get out! Get out! This isn?t funny. I?m trying to sleep!
AMBER: When will sleepy daddy show who?..Sing it, Dad!
DAD: No. Get out of here.
AMBER: Who he is insiiiide!
Not my best parody but it?s the only way I can get my dad to sleep. And then, at the end, I take a bow and, I?m not kidding, after all that, he APPLAUDS! He gives me a literal round of applause because the song is over and he feels his child did a good job. He can?t help it! He?s too nice! Anyway, in case you?re wondering, that?s who Dad is.
