MDC Cellphone Usage by High School Students Essay

1
Argumentative Essay
Student’s Name
Institutional Affiliation
Course
Professor’s Name
Date
2
Research Question
Is there a thin line between using cell phones in schools acceptable or distraction to
learning?
Working Thesis Statement:
Disruption to a classroom is what cell phones have exposed the current learning
environment to become. Other things such as online cheating and others have had negative
outputs in classrooms, grades, and overall performance of the students.
Detailed Outline
Working thesis introduction: Cell phones are the main elements for the poor performance
of the students within the high school environment emanating from the grades scores,
homework, and general participation in the classroom.
A. The statistics on the use of mobile phones within the classroom environment.
B. Introduction of two elements: the designated elements will be the management of the
classrooms environment and inappropriate utilization of mobile phones.
Source: Tran, A. (2021). Perceptions of the Influence of Cell Phones and Social Media Usage on
Students? Academic Performance (Doctoral dissertation, San Jose State University).
II. Negative Classroom Environment.
A. The mobile phones can switch of thus enhancing disturbance in the class.
B. The students may cheat on the examinations and other tests by searching for the
answers on the internet.
C. The students can share the information during class time regarding answers to the
tests provided.
3
Source: Guti?rrez-Puertas, L., M?rquez-Hern?ndez, V. V., Guti?rrez-Puertas, V., GranadosG?mez, G., & Aguilera-Manrique, G. (2020). The effect of cell phones on attention and learning
in nursing students. CIN: Computers, Informatics, Nursing, 38(8), 408-414.
III. Management of the Classroom
A. The students can utilize their mobile phones for non-academic activities during class
time.
B. The students can lose their phones while in school, and precious time will be spent
investigating the theft instead of learning.
C. There might be the aspect of inappropriate utilization of the phones like taking
photos.
Source: Nikolopoulou, K. (2020). Secondary education teachers’ perceptions of mobile
phone and tablet use in classrooms: benefits, constraints, and concerns. Journal of
Computers in Education, 7(2), 257-275.
Badia, A., Mart?n, D., & G?mez, M. (2019). Teachers’ perceptions of Moodle activities
and their learning impact in secondary education. Technology, Knowledge and
Learning, 24(3), 483-499.
IV. Violence and Bullying Incidences.
A. Cyberbullying in schools is one of the negative impacts of mobile phones on the
school environment.
B. Privacy violation of the school and classroom setting emerges due to the phones
within the school environment. It can be conducted in various ways.
C. Recording the videos of fights of other students within the school environment can be
exhibited on social media.
4
Source: Dowling, N. (2018). High School Teachers’ Perceptions of Cyberbullying Prevention
and Intervention Strategies. ProQuest LLC.
V. Counterargument Pros to Mobile Phones in the Classroom Environment.
A. The phones can be of benefit in case of a medical emergency within the classroom
setting.
B. They create a perfect way of communication between the parents and the students
concerning the school activities.
Source: Chung, C. J., Hwang, G. J., & Lai, C. L. (2019). A review of experimental mobile
learning research in 2010?2016 based on the activity theory framework. Computers &
Education, 129, 1-13.
VII. Conclusion
A. Mobile phones contribute to the large scale of poor performance among students by
distorting the learning environment.
B. The presence of mobile phones in schools should be limited to minimize the unethical
incidences of cyberbullying and deprive socialization skills among the students.
Source: Charoenwanit, S. (2019). The relationship of cyber-bullying and academic achievement,
general health, and depression in adolescents in Thailand. Walailak Journal of Science and
Technology (WJST), 16(4), 231-241.
5
Reflection Questions
1) Learning to conduct research is essential because it is a skill you will use both in academia
and your professional life. It improves critical thinking and empowers you to find
information for yourself. Consider the process of researching as a whole. What was the most
challenging aspect of the process for you? (2-3 sentences)
The most challenging aspect of the research I conducted was the correlation of the new
data source with the topic of interest under study. The disagreements between different sources on
the same idea were also a huge issue for my research. The dynamics of the elements and samples
within various sources vary significantly, thus making it hard to provide a clear conclusion.
2) The working thesis statement is a proposed answer to your research question. It should
identify a debatable topic and take a position on one side of that topic. Analyze the
effectiveness of your working thesis statement.
My working thesis statement provides a vivid and clear argumentative view of one side of
the debatable topic. I also give the specification of the exact element that should be put forward
and supported within the case. The statement also provides an alternative solution if the initial
suggestion fails to meet the requisition.
3. A detailed outline is an effective tool for laying out the progression of an argument. It
allows you to consider the arrangement and organization of your ideas and choose places to
incorporate outside source materials. Review your detailed outline and summarize the
argument you’ve presented.
The outline commences by stipulating the introductory part of the thesis statement with a
wide range of elements. It progresses to a hostile classroom setting within the school environment.
The outline also provides a clear view on the management of the classroom and the violence
6
exhibited before transcending to the counterargument part and later on finalizing with the
conclusion.
4) You will use the same topic on three of the remaining Touchstones in this course. What
kind of feedback would be helpful for you? What are specific questions you might have as
you go deeper into the research process?
The information stipulated in the outline is concrete and precise, but I believe that research
is an infinite tool that requires adjustments in all perspectives. The specific questions that I will
have as I delve deeper into the research include: what is the fate of the students exhibiting the low
living standards and those from diverse ethical backgrounds?
7
References
Badia, A., Mart?n, D., & G?mez, M. (2019). Teachers’ perceptions of Moodle activities and their
learning impact in secondary education. Technology, Knowledge and Learning, 24(3), 483499.
Charoenwanit, S. (2019). The relationship of cyber-bullying and academic achievement, general
health, and depression in adolescents in Thailand. Walailak Journal of Science and
Technology (WJST), 16(4), 231-241.
Chung, C. J., Hwang, G. J., & Lai, C. L. (2019). A review of experimental mobile learning
research in 2010?2016 based on the activity theory framework. Computers & Education, 129,
1-13.
Dowling, N. (2018). High School Teachers’ Perceptions of Cyberbullying Prevention and
Intervention Strategies. ProQuest LLC.
Guti?rrez-Puertas, L., M?rquez-Hern?ndez, V. V., Guti?rrez-Puertas, V., Granados-G?mez, G.,
& Aguilera-Manrique, G. (2020). The effect of cell phones on attention and learning in
nursing students. CIN: Computers, Informatics, Nursing, 38(8), 408-414.
Nikolopoulou, K. (2020). Secondary education teachers’ perceptions of mobile phone and tablet
use in classrooms: benefits, constraints, and concerns. Journal of Computers in
Education, 7(2), 257-275.
Tran, A. (2021). Perceptions of the Influence of Cell Phones and Social Media Usage on
Students? Academic Performance (Doctoral dissertation, San Jose State University).
8
9
1. Touchstone 1.2 Rubric and Feedback
Rubric Category
Feedback
Score (acceptable,
needs improvement
etc.)
Research Question
Constructs a focused research question
relative to a debatable topic.
10/10
proficient
Working Thesis
Includes a working thesis that takes a clear
position on one side of an issue; however it
lacks specificity.
Detailed Outline
7/10
acceptable
Outline is primarily well-developed and
labelled with sufficient notes, such that the
13/15
reader can get an overall sense of how the
acceptable
essay will build its argument; however, a few
necessary elements may be unclear or missing.
Style
Demonstrates effective word choices, primarily
avoids redundancy and imprecise language,
and uses a variety of sentence structures.
Conventions
There are occasional minor errors in grammar,
punctuation, spelling, capitalization, and usage.
5/5
Proficient.
5/5
proficient
Reflection
Fine reflections
5/5
proficient
Overall Score and Feedback: 45/50
Overall, this was a very well-structured outline. I think you will need to
find much more evidence to help back up your points in a few sections. The
concept and topic is very good! Have a bit more focused thesis.
Dr. W.
10
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
Logan Stevens
English Composition II
December 20, 2019
Where?s the Beef?: Ethics and the Beef Industry
Americans love their beef. Despite the high rate of its consumption, in recent years
people in the United States have grown increasingly concerned about where their food comes
Comment [SL1]: Hi Logan! This is a great title.
Comment [SL2]: It will help strengthen your opening
sentence to include some sort of facts or statistics about
beef consumption in America.
from, how it is produced, and what environmental and health impacts result from its production.
These concerns can be distilled into two ethical questions: is the treatment of cattle humane and
is there a negative environmental impact of beef production? For many, the current methods of
industrial beef production and consumption do not meet personal ethical or environmental
standards. Therefore, for ethical and environmental reasons, people should limit their beef
consumption.
The first ethical question to consider is the humane treatment of domesticated cattle. It
has been demonstrated in multiple scientific studies that animals feel physical pain as well as
emotional states such as fear (Grandin & Smith, 2004, para. 2). In Concentrated Animal Feeding
Operations (CAFOs), better known as ?factory farms? due to their industrialized attitude toward
cattle production, cattle are often confined to unnaturally small areas; fed a fattening, grain-based
diet; and given a constant stream of antibiotics to help combat disease and infection. In his essay,
?An Animal?s Place,? Michael Pollan (2002) states that beef cattle often live ?standing ankle
Comment [SL3]: Throughout your essay, you talk about
more than just limiting the consumption of beef. How could
you strengthen your Thesis Statement to connect all of
those points?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
deep in their own waste eating a diet that makes them sick? (para. 40). Pollan describes
Americans? discomfort with this aspect of meat production and notes that they are removed from
and uncomfortable with the physical and psychological aspects of killing animals for food. He
simplifies the actions chosen by many Americans: ?we either look away?or stop eating
animals? (para. 32). This decision to look away has enabled companies to treat and slaughter
their animals in ways that cause true suffering for the animals. If Americans want to continue to
eat beef, alternative, ethical methods of cattle production must be considered.
Comment [SL4]: Great use of sources! The transitions here
could be a bit smoother and the connection between these
ideas could be a bit more explicit.
The emphasis on a grain-based diet, and therefore a reliance on mono-cropping, also
contributes to the inefficient use of available land. The vast majority of grain production (75-
Comment [SL5]: This is a great topic sentence.
90% depending on whether corn or soy) goes to feeding animals rather than humans, and cattle
alone account for a significant share. As a result, a majority of land available for agriculture also
goes to producing livestock, whether actually housing the animals or growing grain to feed them
(Lapp?, 2010, p. 22). This inefficiency means that a disproportionate amount of agricultural,
food, and monetary resources are poured into a type of cattle production which has been
demonstrated to be inhumane and to have negative environmental consequences.
In addition to the inhumane treatment of animals, CAFOs also raise ethical questions in
terms of the environmental impacts of industrial agriculture. Because cattle raised on factory
farms are primarily ?grain-fed,? meaning that their diet largely consists of corn and/or soy rather
than grass or other forage, huge amounts of grain are required to provide the necessary feed. This
grain comes primarily from ?monocropping,? an agricultural practice that involves planting the
same crop year after year in the same field. Although rotating crops to different fields each
season helps to retain the natural balance of nutrients in the soil, mono-cropping is considered to
be more efficient on an industrial scale, providing larger yields of grain even though it also
Comment [SL6]: In terms of cohesion, you may want to
look into how your paragraphs flow from one to the other.
The content of your essay is great, but how could you
structure it differently to make it even better?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
requires the use of more chemical fertilizers to provide adequate nutrients for the plants. These
chemicals can leach into the groundwater, polluting both the surrounding land and the water
supply.
Comment [SL7]: This is a great paragraph, but it could be
stronger with the use of sources supporting and reinforcing
these ideas.
Other environmental issues include the amount of manure produced by factory farmed
cattle. Traditionally, cattle graze a large area and distribute their waste accordingly. In contained
situations such as CAFOs, however, animal waste builds up in a relatively small area and the
runoff from rainstorms can potentially contaminate the groundwater (Sager, 2008, para. 7).
Furthermore, because closely contained animals are more prone to disease, factory-farmed cattle
are routinely treated with antibiotics, which can also leach into the local ground and water,
potentially affecting humans. According to Brian Palmer (2010), ?Based on some estimates, we
spend more than $4 billion annually trying to clean up CAFO manure runoff. In addition, the
long-term, low-dose antibiotics CAFOs give livestock can lead to antibiotic-resistant bacteria,
further undermining our dwindling supply of useful medicines? (para. 12). The negative impacts
of antibiotic runoff, manure contamination, fossil fuel use, and mono-cropping indicate that
sourcing beef from CAFOs is neither an ethically responsible nor an environmentally sustainable
decision.
An alternative to the grain-fed cattle raised in CAFOs is cattle which are allowed to range
and forage for grass and other greenery as their primary form of nourishment. This ?grass-fed?
beef is, almost by definition, more humane than grain-fed beef because the animals are allowed
to move freely and eat a more natural diet. There is also some evidence that grass-fed beef is
healthier than grain-fed beef for the humans who consume it: it is higher in cancer fighting,
vitamin-A producing beta-carotene; it is much lower in fat, including having half the saturated
Comment [SL8]: This is a good use of a signal phrase, but it
would also be helpful to indicate what position Brian Palmer
holds so that the audience can understand why his input is
relevant. Is he a scientist? A farmer? A reporter?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
fat as grain-fed beef; and it contains many more omega-3 fatty acids, conjugated linoleic acid
(CLA), which prevents cancer growth, and vitamin E, which prevents cancer as well as heart
disease (Ruechel, 2006, p. 235). Due to the benefits of a grass-based diet, as well as the benefits
of being raised in pastures rather than feedlots, grass-fed cattle themselves tend to be healthier.
Taken altogether, grass-fed cattle production is better physically for both the cows and humans.
It is important to note that grass-fed does not inherently mean organic, which is a
separate, legal category with its own requirements. It is possible to find grain-fed beef from
cattle raised or slaughtered in inhumane conditions that is labeled ?organic? because the cattle
were fed organic grain, whereas grass-fed beef may come from cattle that have been raised on
land that does not meet the requirements for organic labeling (Sager, 2008, paras.10-15).
However, in a guide to raising grass-fed cattle, Julius Ruechel (2006), notes that ?Raising [cattle]
in a pasture reduces or even eliminates the use of toxic pharmaceutical pesticides to control
parasites and all but eliminates residues of high doses of antibiotics used on cattle in feedlot
conditions? (p. 236). Even though it may not always be organic, choosing grass-fed beef reduces
or eliminates many of the environmental and ethical concerns raised by factory farming.
Grass-fed beef also comes with some benefits to the environment. As noted earlier, most
grain-fed beef relies on environmentally damaging mono-cropping. This problem is not an issue
with grass-fed beef, which relies primarily on forage and does not require the same crop to be
planted year after year. Further, if the grass-fed beef that one eats comes from local farms and
ranches, it lessens the environmental impact, whereas the long-distance shipping required by
factory farming practices consumes fossil fuels, which contribute to global warming. Lapp?
(2010) explains the massive effects that industrial food production has on the environment,
noting that throughout the life cycle of production, processing, distribution, consumption, and
Comment [SL9]: I wasn?t sure how the information in this
paragraph was relevant, but you do a good job of
demonstrating it here. You could make these links a bit
clearer in the earlier parts of this paragraph.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
waste, our food chain may be responsible for as much as a third of the factors causing global
climate change (p. 11). However, as Pollan (2002) argues by the end of his essay, farms which
focus on traditional agricultural practices are both more humane and more environmentally
friendly than CAFOs. Ultimately, food decisions should be made with an eye to sustainability
and humane treatment, ethical stances that are both supported by local farms focused on
sustainable diversity.
Despite grass-fed beef scoring better on an environmental impact level than grain-fed
beef, it is still not perfect, a fact that highlights the problems of eating beef at all if one is
concerned with environmental ethics. Most notably, to assuage Americans? rapacious appetites
for beef, landowners in South America often clear cut rainforest in order to create grazing land.
?The realities of the global market are a great temptation to many: Where land is cheap and the
demand for grass-fed cattle is on the rise, the local economy may respond by cutting down a
forest to create pasture or by planting grass where millet or rice has been grown? (Sager, 2008,
para. 21). This practice has negative environmental impacts on the local landscape and the planet
as a whole, since losing vast swathes of rainforest increases the amount of carbon dioxide in our
atmosphere, contributing to ozone depletion. In their article for Science magazine, scholars
Molly Brown and Christopher Funk (2008) examine how climate change will affect food
security and find that people in the developing world are at particular risk for a lack of food due
to climate change. Mono-cropping and mono-grazing practices, designed to snag American
dollars in the short term and not to sustain the local population in the long term, will only
exacerbate these effects (p. 580?81). Furthermore, the rise in the market for grass-fed beef has
meant that much grass-fed beef is shipped to the U.S. from South America and Australia. Even if
these animals are raised in a humane and sustainable manner, the long distances they travel to
Comment [SL10]: This is a very good introduction to the
counter-arguments.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
reach American bellies has significant, negative environmental impact, again due to the use of
fossil fuels (Sager, 2008, para. 21). This reinforces the importance of buying beef which has
been locally produced, reducing the impact of long-distance shipping and potential mono-grazing
in other countries.
No matter how ethically sourced, one can still identify some serious ethical problems
with the raising and slaughter of beef, and those ethical quandaries are passed on to consumers.
While grass-fed beef is clearly an ethical improvement over grain-fed beef in terms of humane
Comment [SL11]: Excellent. I like that you have two
paragraphs addressing the counter-arguments, one focused
on environment and one focused on ethics. This parallels
your discussion nicely.
treatment and potentially in terms of environmental impact, ?No matter how you slice it, eating
beef will never be the greenest thing you do in a day. Scientists at Japan?s National Institute of
Livestock and Grassland Science estimate that producing 1 kilogram of beef emits more
greenhouse gas than driving 155 miles? (Palmer, 2010, para. 2). A kilogram of beef is about the
equivalent of two generously sized rib-eye steaks. Multiply this by the amount of beef consumed
by Americans in a year and the impact of these greenhouse gasses cannot be ignored. However,
as compelling as this argument is, it is not reasonable to expect that Americans will stop eating
beef altogether. In the short term, Americans need to eat humanely raised, locally sourced, grassfed beef, which will ultimately lessen the ethical and environmental consequences.
If consumers are truly concerned about the ethical treatment of animals and the
environmental impact of agricultural production, then the logical action is to stop eating meat
altogether. If Americans are not willing to do this, then the next best action is to focus on
humanely raised, locally sourced, grass-fed beef, while acknowledging that this may affect our
beef consumption at many levels. Pollan (2002) concludes his essay by acknowledging that more
humane treatment of animals would likely cause higher prices and lower consumption. However,
he states, ?maybe when we did eat animals, we?d eat them with the consciousness, ceremony and
Comment [SL12]: How could you change the wording to
make it less dismissive of the counter-arguments?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
respect they deserve? (para. 82). This emphasis on the respect for and well-being of the animals
cultivated for food benefits both the animals and the consumer, acknowledging the desire to be
true omnivores while satisfying our need for ethical clarity.
Comment [SL13]: Very good concluding statement!
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
References
Brown, M., & Funk, C. (2008). Food security under climate change. Science, 319
(5863), 580-581. doi: 10.1126/science.1154102
Cook, C. (2004). Diet for a dead planet: How the food industry is killing us. New York,
NY: New Press.
Davis, C., & Lin, B.H. (2005). Factors affecting U.S. beef consumption. Retrieved from
https://www.ers.usda.gov/publications/pub-details/?pubid=37389.
Grandin, T. & Smith. G. (2004). Animal welfare and humane slaughter. Grandin.com.
Retrieved from http://www.grandin.com/references/humane.slaughter.html
Lapp?, A. (2010). Diet for a hot planet: The climate crisis at the end of your fork. New
York, NY: Bloomsbury.
Palmer, B. (2010, December 21). Pass on grass: Is grass-fed beef better for the
environment? Slate. Retrieved from
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/the_green_lantern/2010/12/pa
ss_ on_grass.htm
Pollan, M. (2002, November 10). An animal?s place. The New York Times. Retrieved
from http://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/10/magazine/an-animal-s-place.html
Ruechel, J. (2006). Grass-fed Cattle: How to produce and market natural beef. North
Adams, MA. Storey Publishing.
Sager, G. (2008). Where?s your beef from?: Grass-fed Beef: Is it green, humane and
healthful? Natural Life Magazine. Retrieved from
http://www.naturallifemagazine.com/0812/grass-fed_beef_green_humane_healthful.htm
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
Reflection Questions:
1. Provide one example of a place where you have used rhetorical appeals or source
material to support your argument. How does this enhance your essay? (2-3 sentences)
One place I was able to use source material throughout my essay, but I think the part where I
included the statistic about how producing 1 kilogram of beef emits more greenhouse gas
than driving 155 miles. This helps enhance my essay because it puts the information into
perspective for the reader in terms of how much the production of meat can affect our
environment.
2. Touchstone 4 is a revision of this draft. What kind of feedback would be helpful for you
as you revise? Are there parts of your draft that you?re uncertain of? (3-4 sentences)
I think a fresh set of eyes will certainly be beneficial to ensure I come up with the best draft
possible. Sometimes, I can ?get in my own head? about my writing and am not able to see
the big picture as easily. An objective critique of the essay is going to be much appreciated
and will help me immensely.
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
Research Essay Draft Rubric and Feedback
Rubric
Category
Argument
Development
and Support
Research
Organization
Style
Conventions
Reflection
Feedback
Score
(acceptable, needs
improvement etc.)
Your thesis statement takes a specific position
on one side of a debatable issue. Try to focus it a
bit more by adding a bit more detail to it. The
details you provide are primarily relevant and
support your main idea. You consistently use
logical reasoning and source material to support
your argument effectively throughout your essay.
You reference a number of credible, outside
sources effectively, using quotation, paraphrase,
and summary. You primarily incorporate these
sources smoothly into your discussion. You could
fine-tune some of your signal-phrasing in your
next draft. There is a good balance between
original writing and outside sources.
You have a great start on the organization of
your paper. You have a thesis, an adequate
number of paragraphs with topic sentences, and
you address counterarguments. You also have
an effective concluding paragraph. Look a bit
more closely at the organization of your
paragraphs (see notes in body of essay) to
enhance this even more.
You do a great job with your word choices and
sentence structures.
34/40
25/30
13/15
4/5
There are few ? if any ? negligible errors in
grammar, punctuation, spelling, capitalization,
formatting, and usage.
5/5
You demonstrate thoughtful reflections, and
consistently include insights, observations, and
examples in your responses.
5/5
Overall Score and Feedback: 86/100
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
Logan Stevens
English Composition II
December 20, 2019
Where?s the Beef?: Ethics and the Beef Industry
Americans love their beef. Despite the high rate of its consumption, in recent years
people in the United States have grown increasingly concerned about where their food comes
Comment [SL1]: Hi Logan! This is a great title.
Comment [SL2]: It will help strengthen your opening
sentence to include some sort of facts or statistics about
beef consumption in America.
from, how it is produced, and what environmental and health impacts result from its production.
These concerns can be distilled into two ethical questions: is the treatment of cattle humane and
is there a negative environmental impact of beef production? For many, the current methods of
industrial beef production and consumption do not meet personal ethical or environmental
standards. Therefore, for ethical and environmental reasons, people should limit their beef
consumption.
The first ethical question to consider is the humane treatment of domesticated cattle. It
has been demonstrated in multiple scientific studies that animals feel physical pain as well as
emotional states such as fear (Grandin & Smith, 2004, para. 2). In Concentrated Animal Feeding
Operations (CAFOs), better known as ?factory farms? due to their industrialized attitude toward
cattle production, cattle are often confined to unnaturally small areas; fed a fattening, grain-based
diet; and given a constant stream of antibiotics to help combat disease and infection. In his essay,
?An Animal?s Place,? Michael Pollan (2002) states that beef cattle often live ?standing ankle
Comment [SL3]: Throughout your essay, you talk about
more than just limiting the consumption of beef. How could
you strengthen your Thesis Statement to connect all of
those points?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
deep in their own waste eating a diet that makes them sick? (para. 40). Pollan describes
Americans? discomfort with this aspect of meat production and notes that they are removed from
and uncomfortable with the physical and psychological aspects of killing animals for food. He
simplifies the actions chosen by many Americans: ?we either look away?or stop eating
animals? (para. 32). This decision to look away has enabled companies to treat and slaughter
their animals in ways that cause true suffering for the animals. If Americans want to continue to
eat beef, alternative, ethical methods of cattle production must be considered.
Comment [SL4]: Great use of sources! The transitions here
could be a bit smoother and the connection between these
ideas could be a bit more explicit.
The emphasis on a grain-based diet, and therefore a reliance on mono-cropping, also
contributes to the inefficient use of available land. The vast majority of grain production (75-
Comment [SL5]: This is a great topic sentence.
90% depending on whether corn or soy) goes to feeding animals rather than humans, and cattle
alone account for a significant share. As a result, a majority of land available for agriculture also
goes to producing livestock, whether actually housing the animals or growing grain to feed them
(Lapp?, 2010, p. 22). This inefficiency means that a disproportionate amount of agricultural,
food, and monetary resources are poured into a type of cattle production which has been
demonstrated to be inhumane and to have negative environmental consequences.
In addition to the inhumane treatment of animals, CAFOs also raise ethical questions in
terms of the environmental impacts of industrial agriculture. Because cattle raised on factory
farms are primarily ?grain-fed,? meaning that their diet largely consists of corn and/or soy rather
than grass or other forage, huge amounts of grain are required to provide the necessary feed. This
grain comes primarily from ?monocropping,? an agricultural practice that involves planting the
same crop year after year in the same field. Although rotating crops to different fields each
season helps to retain the natural balance of nutrients in the soil, mono-cropping is considered to
be more efficient on an industrial scale, providing larger yields of grain even though it also
Comment [SL6]: In terms of cohesion, you may want to
look into how your paragraphs flow from one to the other.
The content of your essay is great, but how could you
structure it differently to make it even better?
Sophia Pathways for College Credit ? English Composition II
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE AND SCORING
requires the use of more chemical fertilizers to provide adequate